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Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about
friends and relationships! The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP)
combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network,
with important cost-saving features.
Q: How Does It Work?
A: Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of
pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your
friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.
Q: What's Wrong with my Current Friends?
A: If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services
from a network of friendship providers haphazardly Patched together
from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often
costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your
current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your
needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of
friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are
coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the
quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.
Q: How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of
a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?
A: Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship
Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality
Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network
because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing
the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have
caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our
Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of
companionship and loyalty.
Q: What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
A: Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and
expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under
the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to
pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed
Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of
Q. Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship
A. You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network
only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
Q: What is a Friendship Emergency?
A: The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours
a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after
regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone
else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly
find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New
Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under
the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or
24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.
Q: What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
A: Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
- Agreeing with you
- Appearing sympathetic
- Chewing the fat
- Dropping by
- Feeling your pain
- Hanging out
- Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
- Kidding around
- Listening to you whine
- Passing the time
- Patting your back
- Sharing a meal
- Shooting the breeze
- Slinging the bull
*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan
Q: What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
A: Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not
- Bar hopping
- Bending over backwards
- Drinking to excess
- Giving a hoot
- Going the extra mile
- Lending money
- Real empathy
- Sexual favors
- Truly caring
- Using illicit drugs
Q: How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
A: A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call
our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the
Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your
appropriate friendship needs will be met.
Q: Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?
A: We do. Isn't that what friends are for?